Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope
that this person is the right one, that we aren't repeating mistakes
of the past, and finally we will receive the love, support, companionship
and admiration we have been searching for. Each person has a list of
hopes and expectations, and while those are being fulfilled, every one
is happy.
Although this kind of approach to relationships is normal, it usually
brings disappointment because happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes.
It has to, because happiness depends upon circumstances. When things
go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining,
others value us, our boss is approving, our boyfriend finally pops the
question, these are moments of happiness.
Joy is different. It doesn't come and go. It doesn't depend
upon outer circumstances to be present. When things are difficult, when
our hopes are not fufilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy
is a pre-made, positive decision we have already committed to about
ourselves, and the world we live in. It involves taking responsibility
for our lives and relationships.
How much joy do you have in your relationship? If you want to increase
it and make your relationship stronger than ever, here are five ways
to find joy in relationships.
1. Stop Blaming Your Partner for Your Disappointments
If you want to find more joy in your relationship, realise that if you
are upset or unhappy with your partner's behavior, that is your response,
and it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with him/her.
Finding joy-and releasing blame -in a relationship comes down to understanding
that, more often than not, it is your own expectations that have disappointed
you.
Instead of putting heavy expectations on our partners, if we are willing
to spend time getting to know them and discover who they are, blame
dissolves more easily.
2. Discover the Art of True Giving
There is a huge difference between really giving to another and giving
so you can get something back in return. When we are secretly waiting
for reciprocity, it is nothing more than manipulation. On the other
hand, joy is based upon true giving. When we learn to give sincerely,
it is almost impossible to be upset or sad. The giving itself is its
own return.
Giving brings a sense of fullness and kindness, the basis for the development
of joy.
3. Learn How to Really Listen
Speaking of giving generously, there is no better way of giving to another
than really listening. Listening involves getting out of your own mind
and truly being there with the other person. When you truly listen to
another, in that moment, you have given up your own expectations of
what you want them to say or be, and are able to be present for them.
This is an enormous gift you are giving.
In fact, to many, being really listened to feels like being loved.
4. Give Up Trying to Change the Other Person
The incessant desire to fix or change the other person is one of the
biggest thieves of joy. Finding joy in a relationship means having the
ability to love people as they are. Our partners have not been put on
the earth to please us, or make us happy. They have been put here to
grow, develop and discover who they are. This can be a lengthy and challenging
process.
And, of course, there are times when our partners surely display their
worst sides. But, the surprising thing about change is that the less
we push and disapprove of others, the faster they are able to change
because they don't have to resist us.
5. Develop Patience
Patience is an old-fashinoned word in today's world of instant technology,
where quicker is better. However, there is no way to rush growth in
relationships or in the development of joy.
If you are eager to get on the right track, there are two ways to get
started: Learn how to be more giving and make an effort to
be a better listener. But each one of these tasks takes time and
patience to master.
If you are ready to increase the amount of joy you feel in your in your
own relationship, release the power that you've given your partner and
his actions, and take back the responsibility for finding joy in your
life, you might be surprised at the results.
Lord Jesus said: "I have told you this
so that MY JOY may be in you and that your joy may be complete."
(John 15:11). Accept Him and He will give you the joy that
makes your joy complete.
Be encouraged.
*********************Letter # 23 (23. 6. 2002)*******************
