Responding to Life's Challenges-"Criticism" (Part 2)

(Part 1) Maybe They're Right
Rule 5: Ask Questions of Yourself. Last week we have seen upto this Rule. Let's go on

Rule 6: Let the Criticism be a Source of Learning.
Learning about ourselves is enhanced considerably by help from others. We are just too involved with ourselves and too biased about ourselves to be as objective and penetrating in self-examination as we need to be. We know how we would like to regard ourselves, and this idealised picture of what we really are and what we would become. We should use outside resources that give us clues about what we are like and how we affect others.
Constructive Criticism is an invaluable source of infomration for those who accept it. Quite often we spend more time justifying, excusing, or rationalising an error than in trying to understand and benefit from criticism. When we are nondefensive, we become aware that constructive criticism is a real compliment to us. The person offering it is usually uncomfortable in doing so, but if he is willing to endure the discomfort in order to help us, we should listen and appreciate his suggestions. He runs the risk of arousing our enmity, but he cares enough for our welfare to take this chance.
The most effective way to gain self-knowledge from others is to deliberately establish a relationship of mutual trust and confidence with another and to invite his continuous appraisal. The extent to which we accept and consider this counsel, without resorting to defensive tactics, will encourage or discourage his willingness to hold the mirror for us.

Show Some Respect
Rule 7: Determine whether the critic has needs revealed by his criticism. If he does, what can you do to shift attention from defending yourself to helping him? It is possible for a person to cry for help, unable to express his message in any form except criticism of other people. If you happen to be on the receiving end, you need God's help to avoid being overly defensive and to be sensitive to the critic's need.

Rule 8: Determine Why the Critic has Criticised. Does the critic have a motive other than what might appear on the surface? It is important to determine this if you can. But beware of psychologising here. Give each critic the respect he deserves and hesitate long and hard before deciding that he is deceiving himself in criticising you. It is painfully easy for the one criticised to fool himself.

Rule 9: Determine what the Real Problem is. Does the expressed criticism indicate the basic problem, or does it deal with a surface issue which is underlain by a more important issue that needs to be dealt with? Put the criticism inside the largest flame you can deal with. Look for the hidden factors that may underlie the issue raised. And help the critic to see what may be involved.

Rule 10: Determine Carefully How to Respond. Face-to-face confrontation? Should you telephone him? Or write to him? Or make the initial response through a third party? The more direct way is usually the better way, as we have seen above. The important thing is to respond with honesty and honor. Respect for the critic will go a long way toward patching up your differences.

Rule 11: Talk about it. First talk to God, then to trusted friend. Seek advice from friends whose wisdom and perspective can augment your own. This is especially true if the friend is familiar with the critic and with the issues involved. When a friend listens to you in such a situation, he enables you to benefit from "the talking cure." One of the debilitating aspects of negative criticism is the energy it saps from the blood stream of the person being criticised-unless he has an unusually thick skin making him immune to barbs. This is especially true for leaders. The sharpest pains-the ones that awaken the leader in the middle of the night and keep him from going back to sleep-come from members within his own organization/institution.
How to handle such attacks is the question. "The talking cure" is especially helpful-talking first to God in prayer, talking then with other persons who will listen. If they understand enough to offer suggestions, so much the better. But even if they offer nothing in response, the very fact that they listen contributes immeasurably in helping the criticised person carry the burden.

Be Encouraged,
A.Othniel.

**************************Letter # 45 (18.11.2001)**********************